It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.