You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Marriage is the death of hope.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'