A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
It is easier to stay out than get out.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.
The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
Never put off till to-morrow what you can do day after to-morrow just as well.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.