Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.
It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.