Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a word.
We have the best government that money can buy.
Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
We are all alike, on the inside.
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.